Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, I don’t know who I am anymore? Perhaps a relationship has ended, leaving you wondering who you are without them. Maybe you’ve spent years prioritising your family, friendships, or career, shaping yourself to fit the expectations of others, only to realise you never truly developed a sense of you. Or perhaps a major life change—a health scare, becoming a parent, or your children leaving home—has left you feeling unmoored, unsure of what you want, or even what you enjoy.
If this resonates, know that you’re not alone. So many of us lose our sense of self along the way. But here’s the good news: you can rediscover yourself, and coaching can help.
Life is full of transitions, and with each one, our sense of identity can shift. Sometimes, these shifts are welcome—we evolve, we grow. Other times, they leave us questioning everything.
In each of these situations, the core question remains: Who am I now?
Many of us fall into patterns of people-pleasing without even realising it. We prioritise keeping the peace, avoid rocking the boat, and shape-shift to fit into our relationships, friendships, or workplaces. But when we spend so much time adapting to others, we can forget who we are at our core.
Do you recognise yourself in this? Have you ever:
✅ Said "yes" to things you didn’t actually want to do, just to avoid conflict?
✅ Let your own interests fall by the wayside in favour of a partner’s, friend’s, or family member’s preferences?
✅ Felt uneasy making decisions alone because you’re not sure what you actually want?
If so, you’re not broken. You’ve just spent so much time tuning into others that you’ve lost touch with yourself. And that’s something we can work on together.
Rediscovery coaching is all about helping you reconnect with your authentic self—your values, your passions, your desires—so you can build a life that actually feels like yours.
As a rediscovery coach, I create a space for you to:
🔹 Explore what truly matters to you, beyond external expectations.
🔹 Identify interests and hobbies that bring you joy.
🔹 Clarify your personal values so you can make decisions with confidence.
🔹 Develop a sense of self that isn’t dependent on relationships or roles.
One of the biggest fears people have when they feel lost is that they’ll never figure it out. But rediscovering yourself isn’t about returning to who you were—it’s about embracing who you’re becoming.
It’s okay if your tastes, interests, and priorities have changed. It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what excites you yet. This process is about exploration. And the more space you give yourself to be curious, the more you’ll uncover.
If you’re reading this and thinking, This is me, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. Rediscovery coaching can help you navigate this transition with clarity, self-compassion, and excitement for what’s next.
Want to explore how coaching could support you? Learn more about rediscovery coaching here, or get in touch to book a free chat.
You deserve to feel like yourself again. And I’d love to help you get there.
Much Love,
Anabel x
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking entirely different languages? It’s like you’re having the same conversation over and over, but never truly connecting. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Effective communication in relationships is a struggle for many, with those involved feeling like they’re talking past each other rather than truly hearing one another. This kind of disconnect can lead to frustration, isolation, and, in some cases, resentment. So, what’s the solution? How can we bridge this gap and foster a deeper connection through communication?
Effective communication in relationships is more than just words—it’s about truly hearing and understanding each other. But when we don’t feel heard, we can withdraw emotionally, leading to a cycle of distance and misunderstandings. Research shows that this “feeling unheard” is one of the biggest barriers to intimacy. Take a moment to think: when was the last time you felt truly listened to by your partner? What did that do for your sense of connection?
It’s easy to fall into the trap of talking at each other instead of talking with each other. So, how can we break free from this cycle? Let’s dive into some ways to change the conversation and make sure both partners feel seen and heard.
Before we jump into solutions, it’s important to differentiate between two key concepts in relationships: connection and intimacy. Connection is the emotional bond that makes you feel understood, valued, and close to your partner. It’s that warm feeling you get when you know someone “gets” you. Intimacy, on the other hand, is an active, intentional process—it’s about sharing vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and experiences to strengthen that emotional bond.
The key here is that while connection can ebb and flow based on external factors, intimacy is something we can actively cultivate. So, how can we foster both connection and intimacy through effective communication in relationships? Let’s explore!
Let’s start with the basics: active listening. We’ve all heard about it, but what does it really mean? Active listening means being fully present during a conversation—putting down your phone, making eye contact, and showing your partner that you’re invested in what they’re saying. For example, if your partner is venting about a tough day at work, try responding with something like, “It sounds like you’ve had a really challenging day. That must have been frustrating.”
Not only does this show empathy, but it also helps avoid misunderstandings. When both partners are committed to listening and understanding, the conversation flows much more smoothly.
We’ve all been there—trying to have an important conversation while the TV’s on, or when you’re both distracted by your phones. It’s hard to truly connect in those moments. To improve communication, you need to create a safe space. Choose a quiet time to talk when neither of you is distracted by other commitments. You could say something like, “Let’s put the phones away for the next 20 minutes and really talk.”
Setting ground rules, like taking turns speaking without interruption, can help you both feel heard. Remember, this isn’t about fixing problems in the moment—it’s about listening to each other.
Communication isn’t just about deep conversations—it’s about consistency. Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to talk about your relationship. These don’t have to be formal or heavy; they can be light but intentional. For example, ask, “What’s one thing we did well together this week?” or “Is there something we can work on?”
Regular check-ins prevent minor concerns from snowballing into bigger issues, and they help you both feel more connected and aligned in your relationship.
Sometimes, the best conversations are the ones that take you by surprise. Mix things up by asking fun, deep, or quirky questions that spark your partner’s curiosity. Try something like, “If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn but haven’t yet?”
These kinds of questions allow you to discover new things about each other and keep the conversation fresh and engaging. Plus, they provide opportunities to express dreams, aspirations, and quirks that often don’t come up in daily chats.
It’s easy to become defensive when our partner shares something that feels critical. But instead of jumping to conclusions or defending yourself, try responding with curiosity. If your partner says, “I feel like you don’t care when I talk about my day,” instead of getting defensive, ask, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. Can you tell me more about why that matters to you?”
Approaching conversations with genuine curiosity not only deepens your understanding but also strengthens trust between you and your partner.
Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in effective communication. When your partner shares something emotional, practice listening with empathy rather than trying to solve the problem right away. For instance, if your partner is upset, instead of rushing to provide a solution, try saying, “I can see how that situation would be hard for you. How can I support you through this?”
Empathy builds emotional closeness and shows your partner that you’re truly invested in their feelings.
Improving communication in relationships doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a process. But by incorporating these strategies, you can create deeper connections, cultivate intimacy, and build a more meaningful relationship. Communication is a journey of growth, not perfection. So, take the first step today—show up, listen actively, and create a space where both you and your partner can thrive.
I have written many blogs on effective communication which can be found here.
I have created a question deck that you may find useful. It can be found below or under the Resources Tab on the home page.
Anabel x
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Whether you're in a long-term partnership, marriage, or just starting out, how you communicate can strengthen or weaken your connection. One of the most insightful frameworks for understanding communication breakdowns in relationships comes from Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship research. He identified the "Four Horsemen of Communication" — four destructive communication behaviours that can predict serious relationship issues if left unaddressed.
In this blog, we’ll explore what these Four Horsemen are, how they damage relationships, and most importantly, how you can combat them with effective communication techniques.
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours. For example, instead of saying, "We need to find a better way to manage the household chores," you might say, "You're so lazy, you never help out with anything."
Criticism cuts deep because it doesn’t focus on the issue at hand but instead attacks your partner personally. This can lead to feelings of hurt, resentment, and defensiveness, which escalate conflict. Research shows that sustained criticism can create lasting damage to a relationship.
Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For instance, saying, "I feel overwhelmed with housework. Could we talk about a more balanced way to share responsibilities?" opens a dialogue rather than starting an argument.
Defensiveness occurs when you feel attacked or criticised and react by protecting yourself, either through excuses or by blaming your partner. For example, if your partner says, "You’re always late," you might respond, "I can’t help it, I’ve been busy."
Defensiveness prevents genuine problem-solving. Instead of addressing the concern, it shifts the focus to justifying yourself. This creates a cycle of negativity and hinders progress in resolving conflicts.
Instead of defending yourself, take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue. For instance, try, "I understand your frustration about my lateness. I will work on managing my time better." This shows a willingness to collaborate and find solutions.
Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen. It includes behaviours such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mocking. An example might be, "Of course you forgot again, typical of you."
Contempt signals deep disrespect and can severely damage emotional bonds. Gottman’s research found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, as it erodes the trust and respect that are essential for a strong relationship.
Building a culture of appreciation is the antidote to contempt. Make it a habit to recognise and express gratitude for your partner’s positive qualities, creating an atmosphere of respect and love.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws emotionally or physically from the conversation, effectively shutting down communication. This could include giving the silent treatment, changing the subject, or physically leaving the room.
Stonewalling halts productive communication altogether. When one partner withdraws, it leaves the other feeling unheard and frustrated, intensifying the conflict. Gottman’s studies suggest that habitual stonewalling can lead to emotional disconnection.
If either of you begins stonewalling, it’s essential to take a break and return to the conversation later when you're both calmer. This helps prevent escalation and allows for a more constructive discussion.
Recognising these destructive communication patterns is the first step towards change. To overcome them, deeper exploration is necessary. Relationship and communication coaching can provide the guidance and tools needed to address underlying issues like unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or hidden fears that often drive these negative behaviours.
Coaching helps you:
With the right strategies, you can replace these negative patterns with positive behaviours, creating a stronger, more resilient relationship.
If you recognise any of the Four Horsemen in your relationship, it's time to take action. Relationship and communication coaching can help you break free from these destructive patterns and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner.
Contact me today to discover how coaching can transform your communication and deepen your relationship.
References:
Anabel x
We often hear phrases like "Where there is pain, there is purpose," and "Where there are wounds, there is wisdom." However, these can feel dismissive to those of us who have experienced overwhelming trauma. Through my own healing process, I've realised that while such sentiments resonate with some, they may feel frustrating or even invalidating for others. Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG), the profound transformation that can arise from pain, has played a crucial role in my journey. Here, I’ll share how pain can lead to personal growth and how relationship coaching can support this process.
Trauma can seep into every aspect of life. In 2016, I found myself at my lowest point. My relationship was falling apart, my child was struggling with sleep, and the pressure of being a working mother weighed heavily on me. Bottling up my emotions, I pushed through, but I felt lost and numb.
It wasn’t until I reached out for help that I realised the importance of seeking support early. Despite all our efforts, my relationship with my son's father ended but this experience deepened my belief in the value of relationship coaching—I realised that relationship was no longer serving me positively and I felt positively about embracing a new me.
After the relationship breakdown, individual coaching became a lifeline. It allowed me to reconnect with myself, rediscover my passions, and embrace a mindset shift from despair to alignment. Coaching helped me redefine my identity as a woman, business owner, and mother. It was through this journey that I started to explore what truly mattered to me, including spirituality, mindfulness, and psychology.
Pain can be a catalyst for change. At my lowest point, I had to ask myself, "Is there more to life than this?" That was the moment I began my journey towards Post-Traumatic Growth. Instead of succumbing to despair, I chose to face my trauma head-on, recognising that pain could lead to profound transformation.
Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) refers to the personal development that can result from struggling with difficult life events. Unlike Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which often traps individuals in cycles of anxiety and depression, PTG offers a path to resilience and strength.
Research identifies several areas in which individuals can experience growth following trauma:
Studies by Tedeschi and Calhoun (2004) first conceptualised PTG, highlighting that individuals who experience growth report a shift in their worldview, fostering a greater sense of life meaning. Further research by Park (2010) indicates that actively engaging in meaning-making after trauma increases the likelihood of experiencing growth.
Relationship coaching played a pivotal role in PTG for me. It’s not just about resolving issues - some cannot be fixed! Coaching helped me foster a mindset shift, uncover strengths, and build resilience. Through relationship coaching, I developed robust social networks, cultivate gratitude, and practice self-compassion which served as protective factors to help face my trauma.
For me, coaching provided a safe space to process my feelings, reconnect with my identity, and redefine my personal and professional goals.
Have you experienced Post-Traumatic Growth? If so, share your story with me on social media or reach out here if you need support in the form of coaching.
Remember, while pain can lead to purpose, sometimes additional help is needed. If you are not experiencing growth from your trauma, it might be helpful for you to reach out for professional support from a qualified therapist, the NHS or a helpline like The Samaritans.
Anabel x
Ever been told that you’re “too negative”? Or maybe you’ve noticed negative thinking patterns creeping into your daily life? Our tendency to focus on negativity isn’t a flaw; it’s a deeply rooted part of human psychology. But understanding why we fixate on the negative—and how to reshape this pattern—can be life-changing.
Reflect for a moment on your day. Did you receive any kind words? Experience any small victories? Now, think about any frustrations or criticisms you encountered. Often, it’s the negative moments that stay with us, overshadowing the positive. This “negativity bias” is a remnant of our evolutionary past. When survival depended on spotting dangers, our brains became finely tuned to notice potential threats.
In modern life, however, this bias often leads us to misinterpret benign situations as threats. A colleague’s brief glance can spiral into thoughts like, “She’s out to get me!” rather than the possibility that she might simply be distracted. While this instinct once protected us, today it can generate misunderstandings, anxiety, and even depression.
Negative thinking patterns don’t just affect our thoughts—they shape our behaviour, restrict our capacity for joy, and fuel stress. When these thoughts dominate, they prevent us from seeing the broader context, making it harder to empathise with others or find balance. Over time, this narrow focus on threats and irritations can create a pattern of rumination that’s hard to break.
While negativity might feel automatic, shifting away from these thoughts is possible with the right tools. These steps can help break the cycle:
The first step is simply to breathe. Taking a moment to pause introduces space between your thoughts and actions, reducing the urge to react impulsively. Instead of confronting someone or jumping to conclusions, taking a breath allows for a more measured response.
Recognise that your brain is just doing its job—highlighting potential issues to keep you safe. By acknowledging this, you gain the ability to step back and view these negative thoughts as just that: thoughts, not reality.
Ask yourself, “What could I be missing? Is there another explanation?” This questioning disrupts automatic negativity, encouraging more compassionate interpretations and fostering understanding.
Be kind to yourself. Mistakes happen, and our minds often lead us astray. Understand that negative thoughts don’t define you. By embracing self-compassion, you can live more freely without being weighed down by negativity.
As a Positive Psychology practitioner, I view our fundamental drive as life-giving, focused on growth and positivity. Coaching provides an effective path to identify and manage negative thinking patterns, helping you accept thoughts as temporary, rather than as defining parts of who you are.
Reflective coaching encourages mindfulness, which fosters self-awareness and opens space to realign with your values. Through practices like breathing, gratitude, and compassion, you can cultivate positivity as a guiding force, ultimately leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.
If you feel you may benefit from coaching to encourage more reflection on the positive aspects of your life please feel free to contact me here.
Life is full of challenges, and negativity is often part of the journey. But by actively choosing positive thinking patterns (when you are calm and regulated - this is important), you reclaim control. Instead of living under the weight of assumptions or automatic reactions, you create a mindset that enables you to feel grounded, purposeful, and joyful. It’s a journey worth embarking upon, and coaching can be a supportive companion along the way.
To learn more about the negativity bias click here.
To learn about Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory of Positive Emotion click here. Her theory posits that an increase in positive emotions opens our minds up to many more possibilities whereas negative thoughts narrow our abilities to think more broadly and keep us ruminating on negatives.