Talking about sex can often feel like one of the most vulnerable aspects of any relationship. But beneath the discomfort of discussing desires and boundaries lies something much larger: the deep-seated influence of traditional sexual scripts. These cultural and societal narratives shape how we view ourselves and our partners, and they can perpetuate patterns that hinder open, honest sexual communication.
I know this first hand. Recently, I delivered a webinar on sexual communication, and despite my research and advocacy around breaking the silence, I still felt the weight of societal expectations. My heart raced, my mouth dried, and I found myself questioning my role in discussing sex, especially considering how sex has been framed in our society—often with shame or silence attached.
If I, as a researcher and sexually liberated person, felt this pressure, imagine how it must feel for those who are navigating these conversations in intimate relationships under the heavy influence of traditional sexual scripts.
In many societies, sexual roles are scripted, and these scripts can influence how individuals communicate about sex, both with themselves and with their partners. Traditional sexual scripts—which often define roles based on gender, sexual orientation, and expectations—can limit the depth of sexual communication, creating barriers to understanding, vulnerability, and satisfaction.
These scripts are learned early in life and reinforced through media, culture, and even family dynamics. They shape how we view intimacy, sexual desire, and gender roles in our relationships. As a result, sexual communication becomes laden with unspoken assumptions that may not reflect our true needs or desires.
The fear of deviating from traditional sexual scripts leads to self-censorship and silence, which perpetuates a cycle of unmet needs and emotional disconnection. These scripts create a false sense of “how things should be,” making it hard for partners to have authentic conversations about what they truly want or need in their sexual lives.
When we don’t question or critically engage with these norms, we perpetuate the societal idea that sex is taboo or should be treated as something sacred, separate, or shameful. But in reality, sexual communication in relationships is essential to ensuring emotional health, respect, and true intimacy.
When we continue to adhere to these traditional sexual scripts and avoid communication, the consequences go beyond individual relationships. On a societal level, this lack of open dialogue can contribute to:
While systemic change around sexual communication is necessary, there are small but impactful ways we can begin to shift these norms in our personal relationships. These changes, over time, can have a ripple effect, challenging cultural assumptions about sex and empowering individuals to speak their truths.
Before engaging in sexual communication with a partner, it’s crucial to understand how traditional sexual scripts have influenced your own beliefs about sex. For many of us, these scripts are so ingrained that we don’t even question them. To break the silence, we first need to examine how these societal narratives have shaped our sexual identities and communication styles.
Action Steps:
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be a solitary journey. Vulnerability in relationships can be a shared experience, where both partners work together to break down the walls built by societal expectations. It’s not just about speaking for yourself but creating a space where both individuals can challenge societal norms together.
Start by sharing:
Instead of focusing on a perfect sexual experience, shift the focus to connection and mutual understanding. Let go of the belief that sex has to be flawless or fit into a particular script. This reframing allows space for authentic conversations about desires, boundaries, and how to make intimacy a shared, fulfilling experience.
Action Steps:
Changing how we communicate about sex requires challenging larger cultural and societal norms. While this might feel like an overwhelming task, the power lies in everyday actions—like being open with partners, advocating for sex-positive spaces, and supporting inclusive dialogue in your communities.
Engage in conversations with friends, communities, and organisations that challenge traditional sexual scripts and advocate for more inclusive, open dialogue.
When we embrace sexual communication and question traditional sexual scripts, we create not only better relationships but also a more inclusive, sex-positive society. These conversations help us dismantle harmful norms and open up new avenues for connection, intimacy, and mutual respect. Breaking the silence is about more than improving individual relationships—it’s about creating a culture where everyone can express their needs, desires, and boundaries without fear of judgement or exclusion.
The journey to changing sexual communication begins with self-awareness, vulnerability, and collective action. By addressing and deconstructing traditional sexual scripts, we can shift the cultural conversation about sex and intimacy, fostering deeper connections and more equitable relationships.
Remember, each step you take towards better sexual communication not only strengthens your own relationships but also contributes to a larger cultural shift towards more open, inclusive, and authentic conversations about sex.
Further Reading
If you would like to delve deeper into the research on sexual scripts, here is an original article by the founders of sexual script theory William Simon and John Gagnon.
I also recently published an article for Kiss & Tell Magazine on the same topic, which can be found here.
Anabel x
Sexual communication in relationships is often overlooked, yet it is a vital ingredient for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling connection. Despite its importance, many people find it challenging to discuss their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries openly with their partners. But what happens when we remove the stigma surrounding these conversations? And why is sexual communication particularly potent in relationships that embrace BDSM practices?
In my research, I surveyed 376 individuals to uncover the role of sexual communication in the positive relationship between BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) participation and sexual satisfaction. While previous studies have shown higher satisfaction rates in BDSM relationships, the reasons behind this have remained unclear—until now.
What did my research reveal about sexual communication in relationships?
One of the key findings was that BDSM participants communicate more openly and directly about their sexual preferences, desires, and boundaries. In these relationships, discussing sex is not only welcomed but expected. These conversations take place even before any physical interaction, ensuring that both partners are clear on what is acceptable and desired.
This approach stands in stark contrast to many mainstream relationships, where sexual communication tends to be more implicit or, at worst, unspoken altogether. The difference in communication styles may be why BDSM participants report higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
So, how does this affect sexual satisfaction?
My study found that direct sexual communication was a key mediator in the positive relationship between BDSM participation and sexual satisfaction. In simpler terms, it wasn’t the practice of BDSM itself that led to greater satisfaction, but rather the quality and openness of sexual communication. When partners talk explicitly about what they want, need, and expect, both emotional and physical satisfaction follow.
The BDSM community offers important lessons for all relationships. Through active communication, individuals deviate from traditional sexual scripts to create their own "kink" scripts. This process involves negotiation, setting clear boundaries, and discussing sexual needs in great detail. It is this openness and clarity that empowers participants to take control of their sexual experiences.
By challenging societal norms and questioning traditional scripts, BDSM practitioners create sexual experiences that better align with their personal values and desires. This model of communication can be beneficial to anyone, not just those involved in BDSM, as it offers a framework for more authentic, consensual, and fulfilling sexual connections.
In BDSM relationships, there is often a strong sense of community, providing both emotional support and validation. This supportive environment makes it easier for participants to engage in direct sexual communication without fear of judgement. Peer education on topics like consent and sexual communication frameworks is widespread, and it helps reinforce the idea that open dialogue about sex should be the norm, not the exception.
This community support can be incredibly valuable for anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or relationship style. Professionals working with clients who struggle with sexual communication can draw inspiration from the BDSM community to foster a safe space for open dialogue and support the development of healthy communication practices.
Normalising sexual communication within relationships could have significant societal benefits. The more people feel comfortable discussing their sexual desires and boundaries, the more we can break down the stigma surrounding these topics. This shift can lead to increased acceptance, respect, and understanding in relationships, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings, sexual coercion, or violence.
By encouraging open discussions about sex, we not only empower individuals but also create a safer, more inclusive society for all. As sexual communication becomes more accepted, relationships can become more fulfilling, and people can engage in healthier, more consensual sexual experiences.
Sexual communication is essential for deeper sexual satisfaction, and it is not exclusive to the BDSM community. By fostering open, honest conversations about sexual needs and desires, couples can cultivate trust, intimacy, and fulfilment. These practices can also contribute to shifting societal norms, leading to a more supportive and inclusive environment for everyone.
The key takeaway: open and direct communication is the foundation of a happier, healthier, and more sexually satisfying relationship.
You can read the full research paper here: Directness of Communication Mediates Sexual Satisfaction.
Anabel x