A few months ago, I found myself at a Switchfoot gig in Birmingham, utterly captivated by the lyrics of Jon Foreman. As he sang, “This is your life, are you who you want to be?” I was struck by the simplicity and profundity of the question. In that moment, the music faded into the background as my thoughts took centre stage. I asked myself: Am I heading where I want to go? What am I doing to get there? This reflection on personal identity didn’t stop there. My mind wandered to identity in relationships. Who are we in our relationships? Are we showing up as our authentic selves? Or do we mask parts of who we are to protect our partner’s feelings, avoid conflict, or simply “keep the peace”?
I’ve experienced it first-hand: losing touch with my identity in previous relationships. The very qualities that initially drew a partner to me—my playfulness, my childlike joy—became points of contention.
I remember the pain of shelving parts of myself because my “baby voice” or curious nature became “annoying.” Over time, I said goodbye to the playful, inquisitive version of myself. That loss left me questioning: What else had I hidden, stifled, or suppressed? And most importantly, why?
The answer is often complex. It’s not just about the dynamics of a relationship; it’s about systemic influences, societal expectations, and our fears of rejection or conflict. These factors intertwine, leading us to compromise pieces of who we are. Sometimes, we don’t notice it until the relationship ends, and we’re left wondering: Who am I now?
It’s not always obvious when you’re losing touch with your authentic self, but there are signs:
These are signals to pause and reflect on your identity and your role in the relationship.
Authenticity isn’t just a buzzword; it’s the foundation of sustainable, fulfilling relationships. When we lose ourselves, the connection falters. But when we show up as our whole selves, flaws and all, we create space for genuine intimacy.
Reflect on your own relationships: Are you being true to yourself? Are you living the life you want, not just in your career or personal goals, but in how you show up with your partner?
For me, the Switchfoot gig was a wake-up call. I’ve promised myself to honour my curiosity, my playfulness, and my childlike joy—no matter what. And I challenge you to do the same. After all, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?
Much Love,
Anabel x
"This is your life - Switchfoot" Lyrics
If you enjoy reading academic literature. Here is an article on authenticity in romantic relationships and its impact on relationship outcomes.
Coaching can help you stay authentic in your relationships. If you would like to work with me, you can contact me here.
When you hear the words couples therapy, you might picture two people sitting across from a therapist, diving into their latest conflict, hoping to find common ground. But what happens when your love life doesn’t come in a neat, two-person package? What if your relationship includes more than just two hearts in the mix—or none at all, for those living their best solo poly lives?
And while we’re here, what if therapy isn’t the solution you need? Maybe you’re looking for something more forward-focused, dynamic, and tailored to your unique connection(s). That’s where coaching steps in, challenging the old-school idea of “fixing couples” and making room for every kind of love story.
Let’s explore why the words “couples therapy” deserve a refresh, and why coaching might just be the modern alternative you didn’t know you needed.
“Couples” is a term so ingrained in our vocabulary that we rarely stop to question it. It’s cozy, convenient, and rolls off the tongue—but it’s also limiting. Here’s why:
Therapy and coaching both aim to support relationships, but they go about it in different ways. While therapy often focuses on healing the past, coaching takes a forward-thinking approach. It’s about building skills, strengthening communication, and navigating the complexities of love with confidence.
Here’s how coaching shines:
Coaching isn’t just therapy-lite—it’s a different ballgame altogether. Here’s why it’s perfect for modern relationships:
Forget the image of sitting on a couch in a neutral-toned office. Coaching sessions can happen online, in a coffee shop, or even during a walk in the park. It’s designed to fit into your life, not the other way around.
From polycules to platonic partnerships, coaching isn’t bound by traditional definitions of a relationship. It’s about helping your unique connection thrive—whether that means resolving conflict, enhancing communication, or simply figuring out how to make Google Calendar work for six people.
Coaching isn’t only for relationships in crisis. It’s a proactive way to deepen intimacy, foster understanding, and ensure your relationships grow with intention. Think of it as a love-life upgrade.
Let’s face it: the traditional model of couples therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Modern relationships are as diverse as the people in them, and they deserve support that meets them where they are—not where society expects them to be.
Coaching offers a flexible, inclusive alternative that values your unique dynamic and focuses on building the future you want. Whether you’re in a pair, a polycule, or thriving as a solo poly individual, the right support can help your relationship(s) flourish.
If you’ve been searching for support that goes beyond the binary, coaching might be just what you’re looking for. It’s not about fixing you—it’s about helping you grow, together or apart. Curious to learn more? Let’s start the conversation here.
Much Love,
Anabel x
As a relationship and communication coach, I often find myself reflecting on the myriad ways we can deepen our connections with those we care about. One aspect that frequently emerges in my discussions with clients is the importance of playfulness in romantic relationships. It’s fascinating to delve into the evidence supporting this concept and explore how a playful approach can enhance our relationships in delightful and meaningful ways.
Research has shown that playfulness in romantic relationships can lead to increased satisfaction and intimacy. Playful interactions often help partners navigate conflicts more effectively and foster a sense of safety and trust. When we embrace playfulness, we invite joy and laughter into our lives, making our relationships more vibrant.
Playfulness serves as a vital ingredient in relationship dynamics for several reasons:
To better understand how we can embrace playfulness in our relationships, I want to introduce you to Proyer’s OLIW model, which describes four facets of playfulness:
Understanding these facets of playfulness can help partners identify what resonates with them and how they might incorporate it into their interactions.
If you’re eager to bring more playfulness into your relationship but feel unsure where to start—or perhaps you find the idea of being playful a bit daunting—don’t worry! Here are some joyful suggestions that can help:
It’s essential to remember that playfulness is not a one-size-fits-all concept. What feels playful to one person may seem silly or uncomfortable to another. It’s crucial to be empathetic towards yourself and your partner as you explore this aspect of your relationship. Allowing space for discomfort can lead to growth and deeper understanding.
Incorporating playfulness into romantic relationships can be a powerful tool for fostering connection and enhancing relationship satisfaction. By understanding the different facets of play and exploring ways to integrate them into our lives, we can create more joyful and resilient partnerships. Let’s embrace the potential of play and enrich our experiences together, knowing that laughter and connection can transform our relationships in the most delightful ways.
If you are interested in reading more about Playfulness in Relationships I fully recommend the following articles:
Working with a coach can also help bring more playfulness to your relationships. If you would like to give it a try, you can contact me here.
Anabel x
Hey, you—yes, you! Have you been thinking, “Maybe I need some help with my relationship, perhaps a relationship coach could help” but you’re not sure where to start? Well, you’re not alone. We all go through tough times in our relationships—whether it’s struggles with communication, feeling emotionally distant, or just the day-to-day stress of life getting in the way.
As a relationship and sexual communication coach, I’ve worked with many people who felt like things weren’t going well but didn’t know how to fix it. That’s where relationship coaching comes in. It’s not just for those in relationships on the brink of breaking up. In fact, getting coaching early can save your relationship from falling into patterns that make it harder to fix later.
If you’re wondering whether it’s time to talk to a coach, here are five signs to help you decide.
Let's be real—how many times have you had a conversation with your partner, only for it to end with one (or both) of you feeling unheard or misunderstood? If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone. Communication is one of the top reasons people come to me for coaching. We all have our unique communication styles, but when it feels like you’re speaking different languages, it can create a lot of tension.
What can a relationship coach do?
A coach will help you both understand how to speak the same "relationship language." It’s not just about listening—it’s about hearing. Together, we'll uncover how to really listen to each other, so you both feel understood. That’s the key to resolving conflicts, big or small.
Question to think about: How often do you feel like your partner actually hears what you're saying—without getting defensive?
You know those moments when you think, "When was the last time we really connected?" Intimacy isn’t just about sex (though, yes, that’s part of it)—it’s about emotional closeness and feeling like your partner gets you. If you're feeling like that spark is fading or your emotional intimacy is non-existent, it might be time to talk to someone.
What can a relationship coach do?
A relationship coach can help reignite that emotional and physical connection, helping you both explore ways to rebuild closeness. I use a range of tools from Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology to rediscover the joy in your relationship and get back to a place where intimacy feels natural, not forced.
Question to think about: When was the last time you shared a quiet, meaningful moment with your partner, without distractions?
Arguing isn’t the problem—it’s how we argue. If you’re finding that the same disagreements keep cropping up, unresolved and lingering, it’s a sign that deeper issues might be going unaddressed. Over time, this can chip away at your connection, causing frustration to pile up. A healthy argument should lead to understanding and growth, not resentment.
What can a relationship coach do?
Together we will explore how to argue constructively while connecting. It’s about making sure you both feel heard and understood—even in moments of tension. A relationship coach can offer tools for navigating conflict without the fallout, creating a stronger connection through resolution.
Question to think about: Do you feel like you’re resolving your issues or just sweeping them under the rug?
Have you noticed that you’re sharing space but not much else? Feeling emotionally and physically distant from your partner can make it seem like you’re just roommates with benefits instead of partners. That disconnect can leave both people feeling isolated and even lonely, even when you're together.
What can a relationship coach do?
Coaching is all about helping you get back to the roots of your connection—emotionally, physically, and mentally. Together, we’ll explore the reasons behind the distance and help you reconnect, reigniting that partnership you once had.
Question to think about: Are you and your partner really present with each other, or are you just going through the motions?
Whether it’s moving, changing jobs, or dealing with a big family shift, life changes can put huge strain on your relationship. It's easy to get caught up in the chaos of life and forget that your relationship needs attention too. Often, these changes expose cracks that were already there—only now, they’re more obvious.
What can a relationship coach do?
A relationship coach can help you navigate these changes together. By understanding how these external pressures affect your relationship, we can develop strategies that make you feel more connected and resilient as a team. You won’t just get through it—you’ll come out stronger.
Question to think about: How well do you and your partner adapt to changes together, and what could you improve?
Here’s the thing: a lot of people wait until their relationship is in crisis before seeking professional help. But the earlier you address small issues, the easier it is to turn things around. A relationship coach isn’t just for “fixing” a failing relationship—it’s about helping you both thrive and grow together.
You deserve a relationship where you feel heard, understood, and deeply connected. If these five signs hit home, it might be time to consider professional coaching before the little issues become big problems.
If you’re seeing yourself in any of these signs, don’t wait until things get worse. Book a consultation with me, and let’s explore how coaching can transform your relationship—starting today.
Click here to book your free discovery call
Want to dive deeper into relationship dynamics? I highly recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. His research-backed insights are perfect for those in relationships looking to strengthen their bond before things get rocky.
Are communication struggles in your relationships causing frustration and distance? You're not alone. Poor communication is one of the most common issues those in relationships face, and it can gradually undermine even the strongest connections. If conversations often end in confusion or feelings of being unheard, it's time to explore why this happens and how you can overcome these barriers to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Poor Listening Skills: A Hidden Culprit
One of the key reasons for communication struggles in relationships is poor listening. It's easy to assume that hearing the words your partner says means you're truly listening, but active listening goes much deeper. Studies show that many of us fail to listen actively, meaning we don’t fully understand or acknowledge what our partner is saying.
When active listening is absent, misunderstandings and feelings of neglect can arise. This can lead to unresolved conflicts, creating a cycle of miscommunication that makes it harder to reconnect, leaving both partners frustrated and emotionally distant.
Distractions
In today’s fast-paced world, distractions like smartphones, work, or outside stress can make it hard to fully focus on your partner during conversations.
Emotional Reactions
We all have emotional triggers, and sometimes, an emotional reaction to what your partner says can interrupt your ability to truly listen. Instead of engaging in dialogue, we may start defending ourselves.
Assumptions
Many of us make the mistake of assuming we know what our partner will say before they even finish speaking. These assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection.
When communication struggles go unaddressed, they can lead to serious consequences. Poor listening may leave conflicts unresolved, which can breed resentment. Emotional intimacy begins to fade as partners start to feel disconnected, and trust may begin to erode. Over time, these issues can threaten the future of your relationship.
Building Active Listening Skills
If you’re facing communication struggles, relationship coaching can help. Through coaching, you can develop active listening skills, which allow you to understand your partner’s emotions and intentions more clearly.
Emotional Regulation
Coaching also focuses on emotional regulation, helping you stay calm and engaged in difficult conversations. Rather than becoming defensive, you’ll learn how to manage emotions and keep communication open.
Empathy and Understanding
Relationship coaching fosters empathy, helping you to see things from your partner’s perspective and strengthening your emotional connection.
Confidence in Communication
Coaching boosts your confidence, allowing you to express your needs and desires respectfully and clearly, reducing frustration and fostering a deeper connection.
Effective communication is vital for any relationship to thrive. Without it, even the strongest bonds can weaken over time. The good news is that communication struggles don’t have to last forever. Relationship coaching can give you the tools you need to improve your connection, listen more attentively, and communicate more openly. Take the first step today and contact me to book a free consultation session.
Anabel x
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Whether you're in a long-term partnership, marriage, or just starting out, how you communicate can strengthen or weaken your connection. One of the most insightful frameworks for understanding communication breakdowns in relationships comes from Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship research. He identified the "Four Horsemen of Communication" — four destructive communication behaviours that can predict serious relationship issues if left unaddressed.
In this blog, we’ll explore what these Four Horsemen are, how they damage relationships, and most importantly, how you can combat them with effective communication techniques.
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours. For example, instead of saying, "We need to find a better way to manage the household chores," you might say, "You're so lazy, you never help out with anything."
Criticism cuts deep because it doesn’t focus on the issue at hand but instead attacks your partner personally. This can lead to feelings of hurt, resentment, and defensiveness, which escalate conflict. Research shows that sustained criticism can create lasting damage to a relationship.
Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For instance, saying, "I feel overwhelmed with housework. Could we talk about a more balanced way to share responsibilities?" opens a dialogue rather than starting an argument.
Defensiveness occurs when you feel attacked or criticised and react by protecting yourself, either through excuses or by blaming your partner. For example, if your partner says, "You’re always late," you might respond, "I can’t help it, I’ve been busy."
Defensiveness prevents genuine problem-solving. Instead of addressing the concern, it shifts the focus to justifying yourself. This creates a cycle of negativity and hinders progress in resolving conflicts.
Instead of defending yourself, take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue. For instance, try, "I understand your frustration about my lateness. I will work on managing my time better." This shows a willingness to collaborate and find solutions.
Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen. It includes behaviours such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mocking. An example might be, "Of course you forgot again, typical of you."
Contempt signals deep disrespect and can severely damage emotional bonds. Gottman’s research found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, as it erodes the trust and respect that are essential for a strong relationship.
Building a culture of appreciation is the antidote to contempt. Make it a habit to recognise and express gratitude for your partner’s positive qualities, creating an atmosphere of respect and love.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws emotionally or physically from the conversation, effectively shutting down communication. This could include giving the silent treatment, changing the subject, or physically leaving the room.
Stonewalling halts productive communication altogether. When one partner withdraws, it leaves the other feeling unheard and frustrated, intensifying the conflict. Gottman’s studies suggest that habitual stonewalling can lead to emotional disconnection.
If either of you begins stonewalling, it’s essential to take a break and return to the conversation later when you're both calmer. This helps prevent escalation and allows for a more constructive discussion.
Recognising these destructive communication patterns is the first step towards change. To overcome them, deeper exploration is necessary. Relationship and communication coaching can provide the guidance and tools needed to address underlying issues like unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or hidden fears that often drive these negative behaviours.
Coaching helps you:
With the right strategies, you can replace these negative patterns with positive behaviours, creating a stronger, more resilient relationship.
If you recognise any of the Four Horsemen in your relationship, it's time to take action. Relationship and communication coaching can help you break free from these destructive patterns and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner.
Contact me today to discover how coaching can transform your communication and deepen your relationship.
References:
Anabel x
Responding to your partner’s good news is more than just acknowledging their success. It plays a vital role in shaping the strength of your emotional connection and relationship. In this blog, we’ll explore how responding to your partner's good news with intention and care can foster trust, enhance communication, and boost the overall health of your relationship. Let's dive into the importance of response styles, the benefits of active constructive responding (ACR), and understanding your partner's unique emotional needs.
When your partner shares exciting news, how you respond can make a big difference. There are four main response styles that can influence the dynamic of your relationship:
1. Active Constructive Responding (ACR)
ACR is the ideal way of responding to your partner’s good news. It involves showing genuine enthusiasm, asking thoughtful questions, and fully engaging with their joy. This approach deepens your emotional connection and strengthens the bond between you.
2. Passive Constructive Responding
In this style, you acknowledge your partner’s success, but the response is more reserved, such as a simple "That's great" or "Good for you." While it’s polite, it lacks the warmth and emotional depth of ACR.
3. Active Destructive Responding
Responding to your partner in a negative or critical way is called active destructive responding. You may engage with their good news, but with a dismissive, jealous, or belittling tone. This can cause tension and lead to arguments.
4. Passive Destructive Responding
This style involves a lack of response altogether or expressing indifference, such as ignoring the news or offering dismissive comments. It can erode the emotional connection and trust in your relationship.
While different response styles exist, responding to your partner with ACR has several key benefits that enhance relationship quality. Here are some advantages of actively and constructively engaging with your partner’s good news:
1. Strengthens Emotional Connection
Responding to your partner with enthusiasm and engagement creates shared positive experiences that deepen your emotional connection, fostering intimacy.
2. Boosts Self-Esteem
When you celebrate your partner’s achievements, they feel supported and valued. This boosts their self-esteem, which in turn strengthens the partnership.
3. Fosters a Positive Relationship Cycle
By responding positively, you set a tone of mutual support and encouragement. This creates a positive feedback loop where both partners feel comfortable sharing successes and challenges.
4. Improves Communication
Responding thoughtfully to your partner’s good news shows that you are an attentive and active listener. This strengthens communication and encourages open dialogue in the relationship.
5. Builds Trust
Trust is built through consistency in support. When your partner feels heard, valued, and appreciated, they are more likely to trust you with their vulnerabilities and share more openly.
While ACR is highly effective, it’s important to recognise that not all partners respond to enthusiasm in the same way. Understanding your partner’s needs and personality is crucial when responding to your partner's good news. Here are some considerations:
1. Introverted Personalities
Introverts may not appreciate high-energy responses. They often need space to process their emotions privately. A more subdued acknowledgment may feel more comfortable to them.
2. Fear of Pressure
Some partners worry that a highly enthusiastic response creates pressure for them to maintain that level of success. If this is the case, a more low-key response might be better received.
3. Modesty
People who are modest may feel uncomfortable with excessive attention on their achievements. They might downplay their success and prefer a quieter, more understated response.
4. Cultural Differences
Cultural backgrounds can shape how we react to good news. In some cultures, it is customary to remain humble, and overt displays of enthusiasm may feel inappropriate.
Ultimately, the best response to your partner’s good news is one that respects their preferences and emotional needs. Communication is key. To ensure that you’re responding to your partner in a way that makes them feel supported, have an open conversation about how they prefer to receive feedback. This shows respect for their individuality and helps build a healthier, more connected relationship.
Responding to your partner’s good news is a powerful tool for building trust, intimacy, and emotional connection in your relationship. By practising active constructive responding (ACR) and understanding your partner’s unique needs, you can create a relationship that thrives on mutual support, open communication, and shared joy.
So, the next time your partner shares something exciting, take a moment to respond thoughtfully. Your response can be the catalyst for strengthening the bond you share.
If you feel you need some help reflecting on, and improving the way you respond to your partner, maybe coaching could help. Feel free to connect with me here for a free consultation.
You can find the original journal article below:
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228
And Here is some further information on ACR as well as some wider information about the topic.