A few months ago, I found myself at a Switchfoot gig in Birmingham, utterly captivated by the lyrics of Jon Foreman. As he sang, “This is your life, are you who you want to be?” I was struck by the simplicity and profundity of the question. In that moment, the music faded into the background as my thoughts took centre stage. I asked myself: Am I heading where I want to go? What am I doing to get there? This reflection on personal identity didn’t stop there. My mind wandered to identity in relationships. Who are we in our relationships? Are we showing up as our authentic selves? Or do we mask parts of who we are to protect our partner’s feelings, avoid conflict, or simply “keep the peace”?

Losing Ourselves in Relationships

I’ve experienced it first-hand: losing touch with my identity in previous relationships. The very qualities that initially drew a partner to me—my playfulness, my childlike joy—became points of contention.

I remember the pain of shelving parts of myself because my “baby voice” or curious nature became “annoying.” Over time, I said goodbye to the playful, inquisitive version of myself. That loss left me questioning: What else had I hidden, stifled, or suppressed? And most importantly, why?

The answer is often complex. It’s not just about the dynamics of a relationship; it’s about systemic influences, societal expectations, and our fears of rejection or conflict. These factors intertwine, leading us to compromise pieces of who we are. Sometimes, we don’t notice it until the relationship ends, and we’re left wondering: Who am I now?

Signs You Might Be Losing Yourself

It’s not always obvious when you’re losing touch with your authentic self, but there are signs:

  • Emotional distance: You feel disconnected from your partner or yourself.
  • Walking on eggshells: You’re constantly trying to avoid upsetting your partner.
  • Altered behaviour: You act differently with friends compared to your partner.
  • A sense of emptiness: You feel like something is missing but can’t pinpoint what.

These are signals to pause and reflect on your identity and your role in the relationship.

How to Reclaim and Protect Your Authenticity

  1. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Reflect on your core values and ask yourself: What truly matters to me? Journaling or working with a coach can help unpack changes in your identity.
  2. Engage in Regular Self-Reflection: Create a habit of checking in with yourself. What’s changed for me recently? Am I compromising too much? This practice fosters a deeper connection to your inner self.
  3. Address Systemic Stifling of Voice: Society and upbringing often teach us to “fit in” rather than stand out. Challenge these norms and reclaim your voice. Ask: Where did I learn to suppress this part of myself, and how can I unlearn it?
  4. Navigate Partners’ Reactions: If your partner finds your best traits “annoying,” communicate openly. Share how these traits define you and how their acceptance can strengthen your bond. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual understanding and compromise.

Authenticity: The Key to Flourishing Relationships

Authenticity isn’t just a buzzword; it’s the foundation of sustainable, fulfilling relationships. When we lose ourselves, the connection falters. But when we show up as our whole selves, flaws and all, we create space for genuine intimacy.

Reflect on your own relationships: Are you being true to yourself? Are you living the life you want, not just in your career or personal goals, but in how you show up with your partner?

For me, the Switchfoot gig was a wake-up call. I’ve promised myself to honour my curiosity, my playfulness, and my childlike joy—no matter what. And I challenge you to do the same. After all, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Much Love,

Anabel x

"This is your life - Switchfoot" Lyrics

If you enjoy reading academic literature. Here is an article on authenticity in romantic relationships and its impact on relationship outcomes.

Coaching can help you stay authentic in your relationships. If you would like to work with me, you can contact me here.

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