relationship satisfaction Archives

A few months ago, I found myself at a Switchfoot gig in Birmingham, utterly captivated by the lyrics of Jon Foreman. As he sang, “This is your life, are you who you want to be?” I was struck by the simplicity and profundity of the question. In that moment, the music faded into the background as my thoughts took centre stage. I asked myself: Am I heading where I want to go? What am I doing to get there? This reflection on personal identity didn’t stop there. My mind wandered to identity in relationships. Who are we in our relationships? Are we showing up as our authentic selves? Or do we mask parts of who we are to protect our partner’s feelings, avoid conflict, or simply “keep the peace”?

Losing Ourselves in Relationships

I’ve experienced it first-hand: losing touch with my identity in previous relationships. The very qualities that initially drew a partner to me—my playfulness, my childlike joy—became points of contention.

I remember the pain of shelving parts of myself because my “baby voice” or curious nature became “annoying.” Over time, I said goodbye to the playful, inquisitive version of myself. That loss left me questioning: What else had I hidden, stifled, or suppressed? And most importantly, why?

The answer is often complex. It’s not just about the dynamics of a relationship; it’s about systemic influences, societal expectations, and our fears of rejection or conflict. These factors intertwine, leading us to compromise pieces of who we are. Sometimes, we don’t notice it until the relationship ends, and we’re left wondering: Who am I now?

Signs You Might Be Losing Yourself

It’s not always obvious when you’re losing touch with your authentic self, but there are signs:

Emotional distance: You feel disconnected from your partner or yourself.
Walking on eggshells: You’re constantly trying to avoid upsetting your partner.
Altered behaviour: You act differently with friends compared to your partner.
A sense of emptiness: You feel like something is missing but can’t pinpoint what.

These are signals to pause and reflect on your identity and your role in the relationship.

How to Reclaim and Protect Your Authenticity

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Reflect on your core values and ask yourself: What truly matters to me? Journaling or working with a coach can help unpack changes in your identity.
Engage in Regular Self-Reflection: Create a habit of checking in with yourself. What’s changed for me recently? Am I compromising too much? This practice fosters a deeper connection to your inner self.
Address Systemic Stifling of Voice: Society and upbringing often teach us to “fit in” rather than stand out. Challenge these norms and reclaim your voice. Ask: Where did I learn to suppress this part of myself, and how can I unlearn it?
Navigate Partners’ Reactions: If your partner finds your best traits “annoying,” communicate openly. Share how these traits define you and how their acceptance can strengthen your bond. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual understanding and compromise.

Authenticity: The Key to Flourishing Relationships

Authenticity isn’t just a buzzword; it’s the foundation of sustainable, fulfilling relationships. When we lose ourselves, the connection falters. But when we show up as our whole selves, flaws and all, we create space for genuine intimacy.

Reflect on your own relationships: Are you being true to yourself? Are you living the life you want, not just in your career or personal goals, but in how you show up with your partner?

For me, the Switchfoot gig was a wake-up call. I’ve promised myself to honour my curiosity, my playfulness, and my childlike joy—no matter what. And I challenge you to do the same. After all, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Much Love,

Anabel x

"This is your life - Switchfoot" Lyrics

If you enjoy reading academic literature. Here is an article on authenticity in romantic relationships and its impact on relationship outcomes.

Coaching can help you stay authentic in your relationships. If you would like to work with me, you can contact me here.

As a relationship and communication coach, I often find myself reflecting on the myriad ways we can deepen our connections with those we care about. One aspect that frequently emerges in my discussions with clients is the importance of playfulness in romantic relationships. It’s fascinating to delve into the evidence supporting this concept and explore how a playful approach can enhance our relationships in delightful and meaningful ways.

The Evidence Behind Playfulness

Research has shown that playfulness in romantic relationships can lead to increased satisfaction and intimacy. Playful interactions often help partners navigate conflicts more effectively and foster a sense of safety and trust. When we embrace playfulness, we invite joy and laughter into our lives, making our relationships more vibrant.

Why Playfulness Matters

Playfulness serves as a vital ingredient in relationship dynamics for several reasons:

Creating Joyful Moments: Playfulness creates an atmosphere of joy, allowing partners to bond and experience shared laughter. Imagine spending a rainy afternoon indoors, creating a makeshift fort with blankets and pillows, reminiscing about childhood adventures. These moments can strengthen your connection and foster a sense of togetherness.
Easing Tension: When tensions arise, incorporating playful exchanges can create a more relaxed atmosphere and help re-establish connection. Gentle humour or light-hearted moments can act as a valuable tool to ease discomfort and shift the focus from conflict to camaraderie. For example, if you find yourselves in a disagreement, sharing a light-hearted memory or inside joke can provide a brief respite. However, it’s crucial to ensure that this playfulness doesn't overshadow the need for honest communication. After lightening the mood, take the time to address the underlying issues, ensuring that both partners feel heard, understood, and validated. By using playfulness to foster connection, you create a safe space for meaningful dialogue about each other’s needs.
Encouraging Creativity: Playfulness encourages creativity and spontaneity, essential components for keeping the spark alive. Why not take turns surprising each other with spontaneous date ideas? You could plan a surprise picnic in the park or a visit to a quirky local museum. These adventures can invite discovery and excitement into your relationship.

The OLIW Model of Playfulness

To better understand how we can embrace playfulness in our relationships, I want to introduce you to Proyer’s OLIW model, which describes four facets of playfulness:

Other-directed: This facet involves using playfulness to reduce social tension and enhance connections with others. For example, if you're out with friends and notice someone feeling left out, cracking a light-hearted joke can ease their discomfort and help everyone feel more included. In relationships, this type of playfulness can foster empathy and understanding, making it easier to navigate challenging conversations.
Lighthearted: Seeing life as a game rather than a battlefield encourages a playful perspective on everyday situations. Picture yourself and your partner tackling a home improvement project together. Instead of getting frustrated with mishaps, you could turn it into a playful competition: who can complete their task the quickest while sporting a silly hat? Approaching challenges with a light-hearted attitude allows you to enjoy the process together.
Intellectual: This facet is characterised by a desire to play with ideas, concepts, and theories. Engage in playful discussions about hypothetical scenarios—like what superpower you’d choose and why. These kinds of exchanges stimulate your minds and create deeper connections as you explore each other's thoughts and dreams.
Whimsical: Embracing unusual activities and spontaneous adventures defines this facet. Why not take a day trip to an eccentric nearby town or try out a quirky new hobby together, like pottery or aerial yoga? These adventures inject excitement and novelty into your relationship, allowing you to share unique experiences that strengthen your bond.

Understanding these facets of playfulness can help partners identify what resonates with them and how they might incorporate it into their interactions.

Increasing Playfulness in Your Relationship

If you’re eager to bring more playfulness into your relationship but feel unsure where to start—or perhaps you find the idea of being playful a bit daunting—don’t worry! Here are some joyful suggestions that can help:

Start Small: Introduce playful elements gradually. Share a silly meme or engage in a light-hearted debate about which superhero would win in a battle. Building up to more involved play can help ease any initial discomfort while bringing smiles to your faces.
Create a Playful Environment: Surround yourselves with reminders to have fun. This could be as simple as keeping a board game handy or setting up a designated “play area” in your home where you can relax and engage in playful activities. Adding colourful decorations or fun cushions can create an inviting space.
Be Open to Feedback: When attempting playful interactions, pay attention to your partner’s responses. If they seem receptive, continue exploring that type of play. If they appear uncomfortable, respect their feelings and adjust accordingly. Open communication can enhance the fun and create shared enjoyment.
Utilise Shared Interests: Find activities you both enjoy, whether it's cooking together, playing a game, or engaging in sports. For instance, you could organise a cooking night where you each take turns selecting a recipe from different cultures. This not only makes the experience enjoyable but also reinforces your bond through shared interests.
Try New Things Together: Step out of your comfort zone by trying activities neither of you has done before. This could be taking a dance class, going to an improv show, or even attending a workshop that encourages creativity. Shared experiences can lead to moments of laughter and connection, creating cherished memories.
Communicate Openly: If you struggle with being playful, communicate that with your partner. Discuss your feelings and let them know what type of play you’re comfortable with. This transparency can foster understanding and lead to more meaningful interactions.

It’s essential to remember that playfulness is not a one-size-fits-all concept. What feels playful to one person may seem silly or uncomfortable to another. It’s crucial to be empathetic towards yourself and your partner as you explore this aspect of your relationship. Allowing space for discomfort can lead to growth and deeper understanding.

Conclusion

Incorporating playfulness into romantic relationships can be a powerful tool for fostering connection and enhancing relationship satisfaction. By understanding the different facets of play and exploring ways to integrate them into our lives, we can create more joyful and resilient partnerships. Let’s embrace the potential of play and enrich our experiences together, knowing that laughter and connection can transform our relationships in the most delightful ways.

Finding Inner Peace and True Connection

Marriage changed me. It's funny how one moment can change everything, isn’t it? Just the other day, my new husband gave me a birthday card that read, "My wife, I love you to the moon and back." Simple words, yet they triggered a profound sense of peace, safety, and a deeper understanding of love and commitment.

From Avoiding Marriage to Embracing It Fully

Marriage wasn’t always on my agenda. I was never the type to dream about weddings or see marriage as a necessary milestone. Then I met him. Gradually, something shifted. Our relationship felt healthy, our communication was strong, and our intimacy was fulfilling. But beyond that, there was a spiritual connection—a transcendence I hadn’t expected.

Marriage changed me in ways I couldn’t have foreseen. While marriage wasn’t in my plans, it has become one of the most rewarding aspects of my life.

Seeing Love Through a New Lens

Sometimes, I catch my husband looking at me with such pure love that it feels like he's looking straight into my soul. He sees all of me—the good, the bad, and everything in between—and loves me even more for it. The shift from girlfriend to fiancée to wife has brought positive changes I didn’t anticipate, especially in my emotions and identity.

Overcoming Fear and Finding Security

Before the wedding, I was terrified. Old fears of relationship failure resurfaced, and I was a mess. But the day after, something shifted. Despite my Master's degree in Psychology, I couldn't explain it; I just felt secure. For the first time, I felt like we could face anything together.

Marriage changed me, bringing a new sense of security and partnership I hadn’t realised I needed.

Reflecting on the Source of My Inner Peace

Is this newfound peace because he’s the first person who truly wanted to marry me? Or is it simply because he’s the right person? Sometimes, I wonder if my emotions are influenced by where I am in my menstrual cycle, as I have PMDD and that can make things harder. Yet, I think this peace goes beyond temporary feelings—marriage somehow changed me on a deeper level.

Appreciating the Moment

Maybe I need to appreciate these feelings for what they are, accepting this peace and love without overthinking it. Can you relate? Have you experienced a similar shift after marriage? What changed for you, if anything? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Head over to my socials and join the conversation.

If you would like to read more about mindset shifts in Marriage, here is some further reading:

Here is a recent journal article exploring Growth Mindset in relationships.

Or if you feel like you may benefit from some relational coaching with myself, please feel free to contact me here.

Much Love,

Anabel x

Introduction

Building a strong romantic relationship isn’t just about falling in love; it’s about staying in love. And staying in love doesn’t happen by accident. The secret ingredient? Intentionality in romantic relationships. This guide will show you how being intentional can make your relationship more meaningful, connected, and fulfilling. Let’s dive into practical ways to bring more purpose and attention to your love life.

Deliberate Relationships: Setting Clear Intentions

Intentionality in romantic relationships starts with setting clear intentions. Ask yourself, "What do I really want from this relationship?" Defining your values, goals, and priorities together with your partner aligns both of you and creates a solid foundation for growth. Setting intentions can be as simple as sharing your hopes or as in-depth as building a vision for the future together. Don’t forget to communicate openly about these intentions, creating a roadmap that strengthens your emotional bond.

Communicate Actively and Listen Deeply

Effective communication is a hallmark of intentionality in romantic relationships. But communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about actively listening. Truly listen to your partner without interruptions or judgement. When you make an effort to engage in meaningful conversations, you create a safe space for trust and respect. This mutual understanding is essential for a deeper connection.

Prioritise Quality Time Together

In a busy world, making time for each other is essential. Intentionality in romantic relationships means prioritising quality time. Schedule regular date nights, find activities you both love, and be present when you’re together—put away distractions. Quality time is about creating moments that strengthen your emotional bond and demonstrate your commitment to each other.

Show Love Through Small Acts of Kindness

A powerful way to practice intentionality in romantic relationships is through small acts of love and kindness. Surprise your partner with something thoughtful, leave a sweet note, or lend a listening ear when times are tough. These simple gestures go a long way in showing your affection, dedication, and support for each other.

Face Challenges Together

Every relationship has its challenges, but intentionality in romantic relationships means actively working through them as a team. Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, address them respectfully and with empathy. Work together to find solutions, compromise, and grow stronger. Tackling challenges head-on strengthens your bond and resilience as a couple.

Invest in Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Your relationship benefits when you care for yourself too. Intentionality in romantic relationships also includes self-reflection. Take time to understand your needs and emotions, so you can bring your best self to your relationship. Practicing self-care and setting personal boundaries allows you to show up in a healthy, positive way.

Conclusion: Make Intentionality Your Secret to a Lasting Relationship

Intentionality in romantic relationships is the secret ingredient to lasting love. From setting clear intentions to working through challenges together, being deliberate about your relationship actions leads to a deeper connection and fulfilment. Remember, love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice. Be intentional, and watch your relationship flourish.

If you need help to be more intentional in your relationships why not try coaching? You can contact me here.